


a little broken, but still good

by ambrosespellmans



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: F/F, Friends to Lovers, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Crisis On Earth-X Crossover Event (CW DC TV Universe), Post-Stein's Death, Slow Dancing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-06
Updated: 2018-02-06
Packaged: 2019-03-14 15:30:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13593024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ambrosespellmans/pseuds/ambrosespellmans
Summary: Nate and Ray try to comfort each other post Stein's death.





	a little broken, but still good

**Author's Note:**

> UGGGHHHH i hated Crisis on Earth X, whyyyyy

Death was never an easy thing to deal with.  It was never swift, it was never beautiful, it was just heartbreaking.  The hardest thing was being used to a person being in your life, then one day, by cruel fate, they were just gone and all that was left was a body, or graveyard dirt.

 

Nate had only known Stein for about a year, and yet, it felt like his heart had been torn from his chest when he saw Jax walk into the control room, obvious tears running down his cheek.  A wave of nausea crashed over him and he stumbled backwards, only for Zari to steady him with a comforting hand on the back.

 

He faintly heard Ray whisper a choked,  _ “No.”  _ but most of everything was drowned out by the overwhelming feeling of grief, mixed in with denial.

 

He remembered reading about Stein, way before they had met, never really a science fan but always interested in this one man, who had become a true legend before his time.

 

Zari helped Nate sit, and Amaya helped Ray, her own pain shoved aside for her motherly, nurturing nature.  Jax stormed out, unable to stop himself, walking like a man possessed.

 

The next few days were a blur after that, with the battle against the Earth-X Nazis drowned in vengeance and hate, with the Legends coming out victorious in the end.  The next time Nate actually felt like he could move his own limbs was after the funeral, where he had found himself in Stein’s room, only to see that Ray was already there.

 

His friend was sat on Stein’s bed, his eyes reddened from obvious crying, still wearing the suit that he had worn at the funeral.

 

“Hey.” Nate attempted to smile, but it came out more of a lip wobble than anything.

 

Ray didn’t even look up, instead swiping at his eyes, “Hey, man.”   
  


“How you holding up?” Nate asked, moving to sit beside Ray, but frowning when he scooted away.

 

Ray sighed shakily, then told the most unconvincing lie of the century,  _ “I’m fine.” _

 

“No, you’re not.”  Nate huffed, resting his hand on top of Ray’s in an attempt to comfort him, “I’m sure as hell not.  Stein’s--” he broke off, sniffling once before forcing himself to continue, “Stein’s gone.  And we’re both not okay.”   
  


Several tears squeezed out of Ray’s eyes and he grabbed Nate’s hand, “It’s just… I’m  scared.   I don’t want to mourn him because I feel guilty every time I see Jax.  H-He has more of a reason to be sad than I do.”   
  


“You knew Stein too.” Nate spoke with the utmost sincerity, “We all loved him.  He… He didn’t deserve this.”

 

Ray nodded and sniffled, “He d-deserved to celebrate Ronnie’s first Hanukkah with his family, not to…” he pulled his hand away to wipe his face, anger filling his tone, “Not to be killed by Nazis.  He deserved so much more.”

 

“He did.” Nate’s voice cracked, “But now, we’re all just left feeling shitty because he’s gone, he had to be a hero.  God, part of me, it just -- I just wish I could take this damned ship and switch it back.”

 

The scientist gave a weak smile, “Me too.  He was our best.” his smile faded as he released a hiccupping sob, “I don’t even know why it hurts so much.  I mean, we’ve all lost people before.  Snart, well, original Snart, Laurel, I lost my fiancee, you lost your grandpa.  It just feels like we keep on losing people and I hate it.”   
  
“I don’t understand death.” Nate admitted, “It’s strange, growing up I always was at risk of death because of my haemophilia, so I wanted to be numb to death.  But, nope.  Every time, it still feels like I can’t breathe and I just… I don’t… I  _ can’t  _ understand.”

 

Ray looked up at his friend, noting the obvious distress in his eyes.  His hands were shaking, tears rolling down his cheeks and he looked like he was going to puke.  Ray understood that Nate struggled with anxiety even at his best and whenever he wanted to avoid any negative emotions, he would dive back into his work, lest the emotion consume him.

 

After his grandfather’s sacrifice, Nate had shut down for days, consumed by his work and not socialising.  When Amaya had been murdered in front of him by a then-evil Leonard Snart, he had once again closed himself off.

 

Ray understood; although Nate was wary about speaking about his childhood, he imagined that he wasn’t encouraged to be emotional by his father.  He had been strong, fighting through an illness most people would never even have to imagine.

 

So whenever tragedy struck, Nate was caught off guard.  He trusted too easily, loved too strongly not to be.

 

Nate’s breathing hitched, his eyes glazing over as he mumbled,  _ “This isn’t right.” _

 

“I know.” Ray admitted, “It’s all wrong.”   
  


Nate inhaled sharply and began to babble, “I just wish there was something we could’ve done, you know?  We weren’t even there, we weren’t called in until the last moment.  I just wish we could’ve saved him.  An-and it’s not that I hate Leo being on the ship, he’s a nice guy, but he’s a walking talking reminder of what we lost.   I just wish none of this had happened.”   
  


“I know, man.”  Ray searched his friend’s face, seeing the utter upset that was written on his features, “Hey, you wanna get some fresh air?”

 

Nate huffed a humorless laugh, “We’re in the temporal zone, Ray.  The only fresh air out there is the cold vaccum of space.”

 

“Well, tell me what to do.” Ray asked, then took his hand again, “Don’t shut me out.  Tell me how to fix this.”   
  


Nate shook his head, “You can’t.  And besides, you’re the one who deserves to mourn him, you knew him longer.”

 

“This isn’t a competition!” Ray cried, “The point is, we both loved him, he was our family.  You have just enough of a right to be sad about this.   But we can’t shut each other out, we  _ need  _ each other.  So please.”

 

Nate nodded, then turned to Ray, thumb running over his friend’s palm, “It’s just so difficult.  I hate losing people, I just  _ hate  _ it.  It feels like I’m dying every time and I know I haven’t lost nearly as many people as everyone else on this team, but--”   
  


“It doesn’t matter how many you lose.” Ray began, “When Anna died, I felt like I just stopped.  I wasn’t me anymore, I was just a scientist making a means to vengeance.  I was barely even human.  And again, when I ‘died’, I felt worthless.  This team, my friends, my family…” he paused, then locked eyes with Nate,  _ “... you;  _ made it all worth it again.  And now, Marty’s dead and it feels like this life that I was building for myself, this new, meaningful existence, it feels like the first chip.  He’s not the first team member we’ve lost, but we barely knew Carter and Snart, well, we’ve met so many alternative versions of him that, whilst it’s still sad he’s gone, it lessens the pain.  Marty, he’s just… he’s gone and there’s nothing we can do but live on.  We have to live on.”

 

Nate nodded, “It’s what he would’ve wanted.”

 

“C’mere, man.” Ray pulled his friend in for a hug, “You’re my best friend and we’ll make it through this.”   
  


The hug was strangely comforting; the two had hugged before, many times, they had even held hands, but never had they had such a genuine moment between themselves where they were open and honest about their emotions.  They cared for one another deeply, but both struggled with their feelings.

 

Nate buried his face in Ray’s shoulder and squeezed back, tears rolling down his cheek.  They were both crying, mourning the friend they had lost, but this time, they had each other to rely on.

  
  


*

 

The Legends’ next mission threw them off guard even more when they realised the young Stein was involved.  Just seeing Stein threw them both off, but for Jax’s stake, they remained strong.

 

When the team were impersonating Viking settlers, the two finally got the chance to speak, but were distracted by idle conversation.

 

“So, you and Amaya getting back together anytime soon?” Ray began, catching Nate’s attention.

 

Nate scratched at his fake beard and laughed, “Nah.  I think that’s over.”   
  


“Wait, you sound happy about that.” Ray arched an eyebrow.

 

Nate shrugged, “We weren’t a great fit.  Besides, I’d have to be completely obnoxious to not see the thing between her and Zari that’s bubbling.”

 

“True.” Ray admitted, “So what about you?”

 

Nate replied, “Nothing in that department.  Being on a timeship doesn’t really bode well for relationships.  Unless you’re Sara and that pretty Time Bureau chick.” he grinned at Ray’s confused look, “Oh, my gaydar is impeccable.”   
  


“‘Gaydar’?” Ray arched an eyebrow, “Is that the thing that my fellow bisexuals are supposed to have, but it apparently skipped me?”

 

Nate nodded, “Yeah, I dated a few dudes in college.  Nothing serious though.”   
  


“Wow, I’ve known you a year and you still surprise me.” Ray grinned.

 

Nate smiled, “Well, plenty more where that came from.”

 

“I’ll drink to that!” Ray laughed, raising his goblet.

 

Nate clinked his goblet against Ray’s and took a swig of the ale, “Hell, yeah.”

 

Almost immediately, though, the mission went sideways and the two had to split up.  The next time they had the chance to speak again, this time more in depth about their emotions, was after another team member was gone.  Jax, struggling with his grief over Stein, had chosen to leave, and after a Christmas-themed goodbye party, the Legends were left another member down.

 

Sara had left to see Jax off the ship whilst Zari attempted, and struggled, to teach Amaya how to play a video game whilst Leo and Mick sat watching silly vampire flicks in the office.

 

Nate looked around at everyone, seeing them smile and laugh as if nothing had just happened and felt a tightening in his chest.  He didn’t hate them for being happy, he was angry at himself for not being able to feel it.

 

Naturally, as if he wasn’t in control of his own body, he walked down to the library to read up on the anachronisms, throwing himself back into his work.

 

Ray returned from being in the kitchen to see Zari and Amaya obviously pseudo-flirting and he cleared his throat to catch their attention.

 

When the girls looked up, he asked, “Where’s Nate?”   
  


“He was just here.” Zari looked around, confused.

 

Amaya suggested, “Try the library?  It’s where he usually goes when he’s not feeling sociable.”

 

She knew Nate as well as Ray did, and the concern written on her face did not fill him with confidence.

 

“Thanks, I’ll go look there.” he said before rushing out, practically sprinting towards the library.

 

When he came across Nate, at first glance, he looked fine, but when he looked closer, Ray could see that his hand was gently trembling on the page, his eyes slightly unfocused as his body hunched over the table.

 

“Nate?” Ray walked over and rested a hand on his shoulder, “You okay, buddy?”

 

Nate nodded and anxiously mumbled, “‘m fine.”   
  


“No, you’re not.” Ray sighed, “Okay, look at me.”   
  


It took a moment for Nate to look up, but eventually he did; he looked exhausted, like he had been physically drained of energy from losing so many people.

 

Ray took his hands in his, “Jax is going to be okay.”   
  


“I know.” Nate sighed, “It’s just… you get so used to people being around you, then one day, they’re just gone.  I keep losing people.  I’m scared that I might lose  _ you  _ next.”   
  


Ray shook his head and gave a soft laugh, “Never.  Look, you’re my best friend and I will  _ never  _ abandon you.”

 

“You don’t know that.” Nate whined, “I just, I hate this.  I hate all of this.”   
  


Ray nodded, “I know.   I do.”  he tugged on Nate’s hands, “Come on, stand up.”

 

“Why?” Nate did as he said, but was still confused.

 

Ray grinned, “Because, if my calculations are correct, then it’s still Christmas Day.  I mean, I don’t celebrate it because, hello, Jewish person who loves science here, but I still like the idea.”

 

“We’re living  _ outside  _ of time, Ray.” Nate huffed, “It’s either always or never Christmas, depending on how you look at it.”   
  


Ray rolled his eyes, “Don’t be such a killjoy.” he looked up, “Gideon, play some music!” a soft ballad began to play in the background.   
  


“Really?” Nate finally grinned, “You want to slow-dance?”

 

Ray retorted, “It’s Christmas Day, Nate.   I think you can put away your manly facade for a while.  It’s harmless fun.”

 

_ “Fine.   _ But if you tell Mick about this, he’ll never stop dogging me about it and I’ll kill you.” Nate huffed, linking his arms around Ray’s neck.

 

Ray reminded, “Don’t forget Sara.  She and Zari made a bet about how long  _ #Steelatom _ would take to become canon.”

 

“Well, just because I’m slow-dancing with you doesn’t necessarily mean I’m in love with you.” Nate gave a teasing smile.

 

Ray faux-pouted, “Damn, you saw through my genius masterplan, to make you fall for my irresistable charm.”   
  


“Your charm is  _ very  _ irresistable, I’ll give you that.” Nate rested his head against Ray’s shoulder, “I’m just not sure if we’re ready for this.  If it’s the right time.” he looked up and his smile faded, “Stein’s  _ dead,  _ Jax just left.  We’ve got pretty chaotic lives.”   
  


Ray nodded, “I think that’s the reason why we should try.  Because our lives are so chaotic.  Marty’s life was long and filled with love, and we all know that’s what he would’ve wanted for all of us.  Not to live in the past.” he leaned closer, his forehead resting against Nate’s, “But to pursue the future.  And I want you in that future.”   
  


“I want you too.” Nate confessed, “I’m just-- I’m scared that if I care, if I let myself fall again, I’ll end up hurt, like with Amaya.  It’s not her fault, I don’t blame her, but it still messed everything up again.  I was good, I had a life, but then everything ran away from me again.” he breathed, “I can’t have that with you.”

 

Ray promised, “You won’t.  You’re not going to lose me.  As I said, you’re my best friend, and ever since we first met, I’ve felt this connection, I just knew that we were meant to meet.”

 

“I don’t believe in fate.” Nate admitted.

 

Ray shook his head, “Me neither.  But I believe in this.  Us.  I believe that no matter what, as long as we have each other, friends or more than, we can survive anything.”

 

Nate gazed up into Ray’s eyes as they swayed, their skin touching; their foreheads, Nate’s arms around Ray’s neck, Ray’s hand on Nate’s waist.   It was intoxicating, breathing each other in like they were the oxygen each other needed, the blood in their veins.  They were hope for each other, the lifeline the other needed to stay afloat when everything turned messy.

 

Nate inched closer and their noses touched, both of their eyes closing as the urge to kiss screamed at them.  Ray’s hand moved to Nate’s back, holding him firmly as he leaned in.

 

The first brush of lips was like a shockwave and they both pulled away at first, eyes darting open to look at one another for a moment, taking in the other’s expression.  Both sets of eyes held desire and hunger, as well as a flame of need.  The notion wasn’t just the physical, carnal need to join together again, but the desire to feel loved, to hold and cling to each other until the end of time.

 

After a beat, they both leaned back in, Nate’s gaze flickering to Ray’s lips before they kissed again and this time he relaxed into it, eyes shutting again as they moved together.  His hands found Ray’s cheeks and they continued to kiss, never wanting to part.

 

Eventually, the need for air intervened and they broke away, leaning against each other as they panted.  Ray’s pupils were blown wide and Nate’s lips were slightly reddened from the kiss.

 

They joined back together in their dance, swaying around the library as the song played softly in the background, neither one focusing on anything but each other.

 

_ And then I looked up at the sun and I could see, _

_ All the way that gravity turns on you and me. _

 

When the song finished, both were hesitant to pull away, but eventually did, their hands still linked.

 

“Merry Christmas, Nate.” Ray smiled.

 

Nate replied, “Merry Ch--” he broke off, “Happy Hanukkah, Ray.”

 

“Actually, Hanukkah finished a few days ago, but I appreciate the sentiment.” Ray teased.

 

Nate narrowed his eyes,  _ “Oh,  _ shut up.” he pulled Ray in for another kiss by the shirt, their lips clashing together, hands fiddling with shirt buttons.

 

“You know, if we do it in the library, Sara will kill us.” Ray said breathlessly.

 

Nate laughed, “This way, she’ll win her bet.  We’ll be doing her a favour.  Besides, I’m the only one who really stays in here.”  he pushed Ray’s shirt off his shoulders, “And I  _ certainly  _ don’t mind.”

 

Their lips clashed again and Nate pulled away to strip off his shirt before kissing Ray again.  They stumbled against the desk and pulled away to laugh before, like magnets, they pulled back together again.

 

However, before their situation could escalate any further, Sara’s voice came over the comms, “Guys, we got a situation, so can you quit boning for five seconds and meet us in the cortex?”

 

“Yep.  Sure thing, captain.” Nate replied before grabbing his shirt and pulling it back on.

 

Ray buttoned his shirt back up and attempted to stifle his own laughing before he and Nate began to walk to the main part of the ship.

 

On the way, Nate asked, “So does this make us official boyfriends?”

 

“If you want to be, sure!” Ray grinned.

 

Nate gave a breathy laugh, “Of course, I do.  So lets continue what we started later, huh?”

 

“It’s a date.” Ray agreed.

 

When they arrived at the cortex, Zari took one look at the twosome before rolling her eyes and handing Sara a twenty dollar note.

 

_ “Yes!”  _ Sara grinned, “I love winning.”   
  


Zari rolled her eyes, “Whatever, as long as they don’t screw all over the ship, some of us need sleep, alright?”

 

“Well, if sleep  _ is  _ what you want, my dear Zari…” Amaya began, then gave a salicious grin.   
  


Zari seemed unimpressed, “Someone obviously got their chat-up lines from Nate.  Seems I’m going to have to teach you a few things.” she then grinned, “Later.  In private.”   
  


“I’d like that.” Amaya replied, biting her lower lip.

 

Mick grumbled, “When did we become the Legends of Gaymorrow?”   
  


Leo replied, “Just soak it in, Mick.  Soak it in.”

 

“Yeah,” an unfamiliar, British-accented voice spoke, “Soak it in, maybe you’ll even discover something about yourself.   I sure as buggerin’ hell did.  Blokes, ladies, other genders, don’t matter to me.  As long as they’re not evil and demonic, those relationships always come with baggage.”

 

A blond man strolled out of the office from behind Sara, flicking open a lighter.  He had a sharklike grin upon his face as he scanned the room.

 

“So,” the man began, “This is the famous Legends?  Very interesting.”

 

Nate arched an eyebrow, “And who are you, exactly?”   
  


“My name is John Constantine, I’m an old friend of Sara’s.” he began, “I’m also a demon hunter and petty dabbler in the dark arts.  Keepin’ up, are ye?”

 

Nate shook his head, “Nope, got no idea.”   
  


“Well, I need your little ragtag bunch’s help.” Constantine explained, “See, there’s a demon possessin’ a girl who knows your captain’s name, and if a demon knows your name, that usually means some kind of trouble.” he smirked, “Up for the gig, mate?”

**Author's Note:**

> As usual, kudos or comment and follow my social media @legendsofgaymorrow (tumblr) and @lgbtcanaries (twitter)


End file.
